I would argue
that whatever your faith or lack thereof is, everyone has heard some variation
of Christianity’s Parable of the Good Samaritan: A man is caught and beaten by
robbers and left for dead. He is passed on the road by various religious
leaders and upstanding men, only to be ignored. The story ends when he is at
last found by the Samaritan, a poor, humble man who cares for him by treating
his wounds and taking him to an inn. Often times, this story is seen as a model
of compassion and teaches us how we should treat those less fortunate than
ourselves. Rarely are the origins of the parable looked at and studied. Why was
the Parable of the Good Samaritan told in the first place? According to the
book of Luke in the Bible, a lawyer tests Jesus by asking him what he needs to
do to inherit eternal life. Jesus responds, “You shall love the Lord your God
with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and
with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27, NASB).
As Peace Corps
Volunteers, we are both labeled by others and, whether consciously or not, by
ourselves as “good Samaritans.” In most cases, our decision to join the Peace
Corps in the first place was driven by that desire to love our neighbor. We
want to change the world and make it a better place. We want to help others. We
want to build communities and make a positive impact. We arrive with grand
visions of picking up those around us, just as the Samaritan did to the robbed
man, healing them in whatever way we are able, and giving them the chance to
start over. Often times, those beliefs are also supported by those who love us
back home: “I admire your courage and your willingness to sacrifice for
others,” “We want to express our appreciation to you for all your efforts in
doing great work for many people,” “You are making a wonderful difference in the lives of those around you.”
So why is it,
then, that so many times we Peace Corps Volunteers are unable to fully love our
neighbors? As a Peer Support Network (PSN) member, so often I hear volunteers
that are worn thin and say, “I am so tired and I don’t know if I can do this
anymore.” We are plagued with physical lethargy and mental weariness. It gets
harder and harder for us to leave the (relative) comforts of our room and
venture into the communities we once held dear. We become bitter. We start to
point fingers. We seek escapism and long for the familiar. We begin to forget
why we came here in the first place. What is it that ails us and gradually prevents
us from loving others?
Now, I am fully
aware that there is no singular reason behind these feelings. It is always a
compilation of many separate problems: culture clash, home sickness, language
barriers, lack of connection, lack of participation from local work partners,
lack of support from peers or the Peace Corps staff, etc. The list can stretch
on and on. However, I find that often times the root cause of our failure to
empathize and connect with our neighbors is something else entirely. In fact,
the key to loving others, which all of us often forget, is stated quite clearly
in Luke 10:27: “You shall love […] your neighbor as yourself.”
Love yourself,
and only then will you know how to love others.
When we are
about to end our Pre-Service Training (PST), we are handed a set of initiatives
and program goals that we are to advance through our two years of service:
By the end of
2018, 7500 low-income mothers will adopt practices that safeguard the health of
their children. Each year, 50 health volunteers and community partners will
work with mothers to prevent common childhood illnesses including diarrhea,
acute respiratory infections and other preventable diseases through:
- Using the Healthy Homes Strategy (Peru Ministry of Health) to train mothers through workshops, one-on-one mentoring, house visits and health promotion events
- Apply the Healthy Homes Monitoring Sheet to observe improvements in knowledge, practices of the participating mother and infrastructure of the home
- Assess knowledge and behavior change among the mothers
- Mobilize communities to secure access to safe drinking water
- Work with community members to increase access to improved cook stoves/latrines
- Train on the health benefits, proper use and maintenance of improved cook stoves/latrines.[1]
- Blah, blah, blah things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do things you must do…
We see these
lists and their seemingly endless demands of objectives, outputs, inputs, data,
and facts and we become over-excited and overwhelmed. We think to
ourselves, “I must do all of these things, and do them well,” and, “They’re all
counting on me.” In our bloated sense of selflessness, we forget ourselves.
During her
TEDTalk in 2010’s Charter for Compassion, journalist Krista Tippet observed,
“You know, we spend so much time in this culture being driven and aggressive
[…] but again and again lived compassion brings us back to the wisdom of
tenderness.” I find that her words are painfully true, but often misinterpreted
in the Peace Corps. It’s correct to say that America’s culture is one driven by
an aggressive, high-paced sense of competitiveness and progress. Peace Corps
Volunteers are all Americans, and we carry that cultural identity with us when
we settle into a new, culturally-foreign environment. As in the States, we
begin to measure our self-worth by the amount of product we are able to
produce. We push and we push ourselves, making the impossible demand that
everything we do, we do for others. Our work, our life routine is centered
around the constant outflow of ourselves and what we have to offer to our
communities.
When that flow
falters and is reduced to a trickle, we see it as the result of an inner fault.
We blame ourselves and wonder why we fail. “I’m not good enough,” and, “I’m not
doing enough,” are common words I hear all the time from my Peace Corps peers.
When volunteers take the time to try to sort out inner conflicts, to restore
their flow and inner sources of strength and peace, they often times feel
guilty. In other words, the Peace Corps Volunteers’ way of implementing
Tippet’s “lived compassion” results in tenderness for others, but rarely for
themselves. To show tenderness for the self before others is misinterpreted as
a betrayal of “the calling,” our mission to make this world good. How dare we
take time for ourselves, when our job is to give to others? People need us; people depend on us; people are looking
up to us, both here and back home. See how easy it is for our selflessness
to turn into a form of self-righteousness, of selfishness?
It is very
easy, then, for our biggest enemy and our biggest challenge to be our own
self-perception. Our overly harsh-judgments and unnecessary sense of shame
handicap our ability to love our neighbor. Why? Because we fail to love
ourselves. In another 2010 TEDTalk titled “The power of vulnerability,” social
worker and author Brené Brown described those with courage and a sense
of worthiness in the following manner: “They
had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others because,
as it turns out, we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t
treat ourselves kindly.” In other words, love yourself, and only then will you
know how to love others.
So what does it
mean to love ourselves? I wish I could give you a complete, comprehensive
guide, but tomes of self-help books have already been written on the subject.
Unfortunately, I am also no expert in this area and often find myself having to
learn and relearn just how to love who I am and how I’m made. I expect everyone
does, just as I expect everyone deals with this sense of shame and guilt even
if they’re not in the Peace Corps. But, after living here in Peru for around
ten months now, here is what I would suggest:
1.
If
you need time for yourself, take it. Let yourself rest, reflect, and be at
ease. Do not be afraid of being still. Giving yourself time to work out your
needs is never a waste of time. You have all the time that you need to do what
needs to be done. You should remember, after all, that it’s not all about you.
You are valuable, but it’s likely that you’re not nearly as important as you
give yourself credit for. The world will turn and people will survive without
you. So, if you need to step back, let yourself breathe, and pour into yourself
for a bit, it won’t be the end of the world. In fact, the world might just be a
little bit better if you do.
2.
Let
your inner voice speak with kindness. When mistakes are made, when you look in
the mirror and are disappointed with what you see, when you fail to meet the
expectations that are set for you, forgive yourself. Calling yourself names,
dwelling on your failures and repeating them in your head, and punishing and
belittling yourself leads to nowhere but downward. Realize that you are human,
just like everyone else, and that in every great difficulty, there is also
great opportunity.
3.
Indulge
once in a while. Is eating three Snickers bars the thing you really need to
feel good? Would letting yourself spend an extra day in the city and treating
yourself to a hot shower, a nice meal, and a YouTube binge do the trick? Is
letting yourself go on a bit of a spending spree and buying that new, sexy pair
of shoes just the thing you need to make yourself feel beautiful again? Then go
for it. You only live once and life is meant to be enjoyed.
4.
Take
care of your body, mind, and spirit. If you need to eat three Snickers bars one
day, that’s fine, but don’t make it a habit. Look after your health and
exercise, eat well, and sleep well. Take time for your faith and ponder the
Beyond. Exercise your mind and strive to learn something new – pick up a new
hobby or revel in an old one, read books, talk to others who are different than
you and share opinions, let yourself try something new that you never had time
for or were always scared to do.
5.
Immerse
yourself in what brings you joy and happiness. If you know there is something
that renews your soul and makes you feel happy – playing the flute, baking
cupcakes, hiking, whatever – make it a priority in your life. Set aside a time
each day or each week to let yourself do it.
6.
Surround
yourself with other positive people. Are the people you hang out with negative
and belittling? Do they overshadow your small triumphs by bringing up other
looming challenges or past failures? Do you come to the table excited and
energized, only to find that your work partners are pessimistic, unhelpful, and
unwilling to participate? Dump them and find a new crowd. Work with those who
want to work with you and socialize with those who aren’t afraid to see the
sunny side of life.
7.
Don’t
be afraid to ask for help and to let others know you’re hurting. Pain bottled
up is pain that grows even stronger. Let your emotions go in a way that is
healthy and self-healing. Don’t be afraid to call up a trusted friend and
explain that you just need to vent for a bit. When things seem to be slipping
away from you and you feel lost, ask for someone to help you. No one is able to
do everything on their own, nor would you want to. We are wired for connection,
so don’t be afraid to let yourself be a little vulnerable and ask for
assistance.
8.
Laugh
whenever possible, even if it’s at yourself. Life is full of humor: snarky, dry
humor, ironic twists, slap-stick comedy, inside jokes, awkwardness and
embarrassment, corny puns, and other funny moments. Never fail to laugh with
them. And don’t be afraid to be the butt of a joke. If you make a mistake or if
you become the fool, laugh. You’ll often find that if you laugh, you’ll be
rewarded with a fond memory and even a new friend.
9.
Always
enjoy beauty. If you know that the sunsets in your area are gorgeous and happen
around 6:00 each evening, set your alarm and make sure you don’t miss it. Turn
off your cell and take off your headphones when it starts to rain. Observe the
changing of the seasons. Take the time to watch children play, and don’t
hesitate to join them. Marvel at nature and the complexity of people around
you. The Earth is a beautiful place, and it would be a shame if you walked
through life without noticing its glory.
10. Celebrate the little things. Every
accomplishment, no matter how big or how small, deserves to be recognized. Pat
yourself on the back when you resist that insufferable chocolate craving.
Strike a Rocky Balboa pose when you finally are able to run up that hill
without stopping. Be proud when someone compliments you, misses you, or enjoys
your company. And, when it’s someone else’s turn to celebrate, celebrate with
them. Never fail to appreciate a birthday, a promotion, a good test score, a
high school graduation, the purchase of a new house, the overcoming of
sickness, a wedding, the birth of a child, and life’s other milestones and
pebbles. Life is full of blessings, and each merits recognition.
We are not superheroes. We cannot give everything we have to
others and expect things to be fine as usual. Even if we could, would we really
want to? Isn’t the person who is most invincible also the most boring and
unapproachable? Each of us is human for a reason. We have a responsibility to
others, that is true, but we have an equally important responsibility to
ourselves. Compassion is far too complex to be reduced to a one-way street.
Only by being compassionate to ourselves, by protecting our own personal
happiness, by respecting, nurturing, and reveling in our own identities and
abilities are we able to begin doing the same for others. Only then can we
truly begin to love our neighbor.
Love yourself, so that you may know how to love others.
